Blog of iniguity? Am I reading that right? You can see it, can’t you? Above here (well, at least for now). My drinking binge in Manitoba hasn’t affected my eyesight that much.

Has it?

It looks “cool”, though. The font really has a way of saying “Orcus enjoys the sweet, brutal sounds of maladjusted Scandinavian youth.”

As you were, mortals.

Yes, “Strip Factory”. I prefer that over “Slave Pits”. Although the human called “Speck” did have a point when he mentioned something earlier about Slave Pits. What it was, I don’t know. I hardly ever listen to him… her? It. I never listen to it.

The word is from him and the “Steve”-designated manling is that there are strips aplenty already and that we should be having a daily comic every day through Saturday. Maybe even longer! It is unknown if we will have a regular schedule established any time soon. But if we do, it will have nothing to do with what any of you mortals out there say.

Although I do like it when you call me pretty.

Non-mortal beings are welcome to give me suggestions. I’ll take them into consideration. Maybe. Special notice is paid to those associated with undeadism and such.

Look at this! I told those fools to clean up the mess left behind by the local kobold rugby team when they were touring my lair. Little bastards. Damn mortal slaves.

Off to have Vis rack someone. Ta!

As Orcusville’s Dark & Benighted Webmaster, it is my privilege, nay contractually-obligated duty upon pain of death, to inform our readers that site contributor and word-lacky Josh Wagner has made available to you, those of you reading at home, the office, or on a mobile device while trapped in Baba Yaga’s root cellar, some of his previous webcomic achievements, pale and shallow mockeries of Lord Orcus’ genius though they may be.

And to think that it’s free of charge! Will you be able to appreciate this wealth of gratis entertainment, or will you fall victim to the behavior the more jaded underworld denizens have predicted: being apathetic dicks about it? I hope that you’ll enjoy the exploits of Fiction Clemens and The After-Lifers, as short as they are, and it will hopefully fill the hole during our early days of world conquest, while there isn’t a great wealth for you to see here.

And I did mention it’s free entertainment, right? That’s not to say that we won’t show up at your homes and collect payment at a later date… I’m logging your IP addresses and we’ll be knocking at your door sooner or later. You too, Swedes, Danes, and Turks. I see you and you can’t hide from our Infernal Internet Minions. I’d start saving up now, as our “free entertainment” happens to have a 23.99% APR on the unseen fees you’ll be paying very soon. And you don’t want to test the patience of our Credit Ogres… It wouldn’t be good. Just trust me.

In the meantime, try not to think about it while you read the Fiction Clemens and After-Lifers backlog. Just enjoy yourself and feel free to drop us a comment or email through the various forms provided so generously by Lord Orcus and manned by both myself and a dilligent team of slaves twenty-four hours a day. It’ll help us pass the time and get our minds off the constant screaming and lamenting, and it’ll help you to forget about the clause in our Terms Of Service which states that you agree to a number of additional binding legal terms just by looking at the words on the site. Our lawyers say it’s totally legit and they’re top-notch, so they’d know.

So enjoy Orcusville and take care of yourself… We don’t want you to get hurt and lose any wages (that we might be entitled to). And take care of those organs. We’ll be around to harvest a few of those later, as well.

– Ryan Speck

Oh, and before I get back to whipping people*, I would like to point you to this. That is a killer gas mask which has all sorts of my 9 infernal shades of approval! The mask was something the mercilessly skilled Ann Koi created for a commission. Is it not lovely? Go here for more information on some other wonderful manifestations on the physical plane and where they come from.

Ann was alo involved in a photo shoot for an RPG she had a hand in called Unhallowed Metropolis (which is heartily Lord Orcus Approved!). Follow this link to an image of a banshee that deserves her own little chunk of the Underworld. While you are there, make sure to view Marc17’s other terrific pictures. That man has a knack, I tell you. He is always welcome to document my exquisite torture sessions**.

(*at Magic: the Gathering)
(**gaming sessions)

Review time, mortals.

Hell Beasts: How to Draw Grotesque Fantasy Monsters

As a non-time impaired demon person, I have many a chance to read many books. One thing I’ve never been very good at is art. Ugh. I mean, I’m even lousy at describing items to artists so that they may do my Imperious Bidding. Have you seen me in the past? I look like a hippie with both a gland problem and a massive eating disorder. And let’s not get started on the Wand.

Shit. I think I’m going to cry.

Well, if I could cry, I would. Crying is tough for beings like me.

Back to what I was saying… Art is tough for me. However, gifted mortals such as Jim Pavelec have produced tomes of unspeakable learned prowess, geared toward educating art-idiots (like, say, the Mighty Lord Orcus, Your Liege and Master) about the basics of the craft in an easy to learn and understand way. If you are a casual artist, or an aspiring talentless hack like me, you may find Jim’s book very useful. I don’t know if experienced illustrators will enjoy Hell Beasts, but even the most seasoned veteran should appreciate Pavelec’s writing at the very least.

I learned a lot with this book, and I’m still learning some things. One point I should make, though– Demogorgon says he looks nothing like the picture of him in the book. Amazingly, he did admit it was “pretty good”. For a complete asshole like Demo to say such a thing is rare indeed. Demo did add “but my first name isn’t ‘The’”.

If you are looking for a great art how-to book with simple step-by-step instructions on how to make horrific monsters of legend or foul beasts straight out of your diseased imagination (or Detroit), pick this up. If I must complain about something, it would be that the instructions aren’t very detailed. But for your buck you get plenty of bang.

Click on the links I generouly provide to a place on the intardwebs which will tell you more about this book and show you some of the interior art.

Hell Beasts: How to Draw Grotesque Fantasy Monsters — LORD ORCUS APPROVED.